


darling, can’t you see? (i’m a broken man with addictive tendencies)

by ftmpeter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Howard Stark’s A+ Parenting, Hurt No Comfort, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Self-Hatred, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, tony has regrets and approximately ninety percent of them revolve around peter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21976588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftmpeter/pseuds/ftmpeter
Summary: in the end, tony just wishes no one would love him.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	darling, can’t you see? (i’m a broken man with addictive tendencies)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from tribulation by matt maeson. which you should listen to as you read because it gets me even more into my feelings and matches tony entirely too well
> 
> (also psa even if i’m inspired by songs that are meant romantically it is Not To Be Seen That Way. starker is bad)

when the years begin to fly by, you start counting them.

tony knows this firsthand.

365 days are in a year. 365 days divided into twelve months, then separated by weeks, by hours, by minutes, by seconds. and it can feel so long, like a million stretched into itself. but that one year is only a small fraction of a decade, of a lifetime, and getting to a certain point only makes it go faster.

tony spends most of that time regretting.

regret is a weird thing. you torture yourself with  _what if’s_ and  _if only’s_ , forgetting that, no matter how much you want to, you can’t go back and change what you did. forgetting, in the process, that mistakes happen more than we’d care to admit, and it’s okay.

in the end, tony just wishes no one would love him. and maybe that’s ungrateful, maybe that’s a fucked up thing to want, but he doesn’t  _deserve_ to be loved. he never has. howard taught him that. love isn’t something that stark men are supposed to crave, and it definitely isn’t something that they’re supposed to put on display.

add that to the list of expectations he hasn’t lived up to and probably never will.

peter spent a childhood idolizing tony stark. not just iron man, though it would be easier to understand if it was. people naturally put iron man on a pedestal because he’s a modern day superhero, created out of metal and bravery and coolness in the face of danger. but peter? peter saw iron man and was amazed, sure, amazed by the dramatic world saving and the infamous press conferences and the avengers in general, but he also saw tony stark, and for some reason, that got his attention even more.

they don’t talk about it, both too emotionally stunted to even consider it, but tony can tell that that worship never quite faded. he can tell from the ever present adoration in peter’s eyes when he looks up at him, the wonder, the faith, the blind trust.

the trust that he’d always be there to protect him.

even when turning to dust, even when disintegrating on ashy red ground and begging not to disappear, peter parker trusts tony stark. and that’s the most painful part of it all.

(he got him back, but he’s never going to be able to forget the desperate hands that clawed at his chest, the weakening voice, the apology that left his trembling lips.)

tony breaks things. it’s who he is. he takes the good things and ruins them before they can ruin him. he’s self-destructive and self-loathing and on a constant spiral to rock bottom. he wasted the majority of his life throwing it away on alcohol, drugs, mindless sex, bad habits and never-ending addictions. he might be clean, might be more presentable than he used to be but he’s still the same person. the same selfish, entitled person.

"what are you staring at?" peter asks suddenly, and tony snaps out of his thoughts, snaps back to where they are in the cabin. the kid -  _not_ his kid,  _never_ his kid, he doesn’t deserve to call someone as amazing as peter his kid - is twirling a pencil in between his fingers, studying him carefully, like he’s trying to solve a particularly complex math problem. “you’ve been quiet this whole time and that’s, like, rarely a good thing with you, i think.”

 _you, because you’re still here,_ is what tony wants to say. _and you shouldn’t be._ _you shouldn’t be anywhere near me. i’ve already let you down before, and i don’t want to do it again but i know i will, just like i have everyone else._

"nothing," he answers, smiling. it’s not even forced, not even a fake smile, but something about it feels plastic on his face. "nothing."


End file.
